Self Examination

No, this is not a post about feeling your boobs to check for cancer. This is about looking deep in to yourself and picking apart what you find.

Have you ever done that? Really looked long and hard at who you are. Your faults, your beauty, your inmost being, what makes you tick? I did that today. OUCH!

So I did something crazy today. I enrolled my kids in school. To those that know me and know my stance on public education, this probably shocks you to the core. Now, granted, this is not just any school. This is a highly rated charter school. A place where I honestly feel my boys can get a good education, fit in and be well cared for. It was still one of the hardest things I have ever done. My middle son has special needs and I was falling behind in every single area. I felt like I was being judged to a different standard. Home school kids, care for a baby, take kids to therapy, keep a clean house and feed my family decent meals. I was failing. At every. single. thing. So, in an attempt to keep my sanity, I decided the only way to get more time was to drop something. The only thing I COULD drop was educating my children. So, off to school they go.

So I am standing in my kitchen, examining the choice I had made. My middle son was so excited about going to school he actually got up and got dressed with NO fuss! My eldest son on the other hand, had serious reservations about the whole thing. I was busily washing, wiping and putting things away, thinking about the forlorn look on his face as I left him in his class. Thinking about what led me to this decision. And really, a lot of it was because of how he and I interact. He is so much like me; talkative, animated, stubborn and extreamly intelligent. He, like me, also has a hard time dealing with authority, submitting and taking orders no matter how nicely they are worded.

I think maybe I am hoping I am putting him in a place where they will be more consistent with their discipline. I stood there, thinking to myself,  “That is my biggest fault as a parent! I love them so much that it hurts too much to see them suffer even when I am trying to do what is best for them!” So I thought about asking the question to other moms, what do you think your biggest failing as a parent is? As I am trying to work out the wording of my biggest failing I thought,  “Yes my biggest failing is lack of consistency with discipline……and I yell too much….and let’s face it, I’m lazy!” I go from,  “Stop…..stop…..stop…..stop” to “HAVE YOU COMPLETELY LOST YOUR MIND! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO SAY THE SAME THING OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER BEFORE YOU LISTEN?” in 2.5 seconds. And as far as the lazy thing, I want parenting to be like most women want weight loss to be; effortless and I look really great.

To come to all of these conclusions was really jarring. I hurt my own feelings. But I am going to take this as constructive self-criticism and see how I can do better. Only with the grace of YAH, and only by continuing to be honest with myself. Here’s to doing better tomorrow!

It has been a CRAZY three months!!!

So, when I last saw you, I was as big as a barrel and all I wanted to do was have a baby…lol.  Well, I finally managed to do that, AND HOW!  I was five days past my due date, and had been in prodromal labor for the better part of three days.  They had scheduled me for an induction if I hadn’t given birth by then, so in I went to be induced.  I was having pretty good and fairly regular contractions, but nothing that let me know things were getting serious.  I walked, I bounced, I ate pineapple  and hot stuff trying to get things to progress.  Nothing.  When we finally got to the hospital the hooked me up to the monitor and timed contractions.  They came in after an hour and started feeling around my belly.  The nurse got a perplexed look on her face and said, “Um, I think I am going to bring the machine in and do a sonogram.”  I was like, “Oooooo’kaaaaay?”  She really didn’t acknowledge the questioning tone, but just walked out.  She came back with the machine and she started the sonogram.  She kept on and kept on and kept on until I was DYING of suspense!  She finally said, “I am not 100%, but I am pretty sure this baby has flipped back to being transverse.”  My heart fell, I knew what was coming next.

 

About an hour later the doctor came in and we discussed options.  Because the placenta was anterior there was no way that they could do any External Cephalic Version.  We could wait for a few days and see if he flipped again.  Or we could have a C-section that morning.  My husband and I discussed it, and because he had already taken the time off and it was weeks until his next scheduled time off, we decided to have the C-section that day.  I was terrified!

 

Honestly, I didn’t have much time to be scared though, because after the decision had been made, things moved REALLY fast!  It all seems like such a blur!  We had a bit of discussion with the nurses and the anesthesiologist about how/if the pain medication would effect my ability to breast feed my little one PDQ.  We eventually all came to the consensus that it would be fine to nurse him as soon as I was functional enough to hold him.

 

So they got me all ready, took me to the operating room, put me on the table, got me all IV’ed up and started the spinal block.  That was the only truly scary part of the whole thing.  I felt it go in (and come out) and I started to go a little numb……then they started prepping me for surgery before I was totally numb!!!  I was like, “Wait, wait, wait!!!  I am not numb yet!!!”  They said, “Oh, we aren’t starting yet, we will test you before we start cutting!”  Soon I was completely numb and starting to feel…..loooooovely!  My husband came in and they didn’t have the drape up and I told them, “Do NOT let him see ANYTHING!!!  He will pass smooth out and that is drama we don’t need!”  They promptly got the drape up and got down to business.  I could hear things going on, I could feel mu husband holding my hand, I could feel a little pressure, but nothing ever hurt.  I could hear the doctor saying he couldn’t get a hold of anything solid on the baby to get a grip on him and get him out.  (I still think he was dodging the doctor because he didn’t want to come out….lol)  They finally caught him and brought him out and BOY did that kid screech!!!  One of the nurses made the comment, “Well he certainly wins the award for loudest baby of the year!”  They got him all checked out and swaddled and brought him too me while they were stitching me up.  He was quiet by that time, but wide eyed and oh so precious!  I went away for a little while after that.  I am not sure how long I was out, but they wheeled me to the recovery

Ahhhhh, the waiting game….

I am sitting here in my chair at 11:55 pm the night of my due date with my third child…..yet another son.  This little man seems like he is more than happy to stay in there indefinitely!  I reflect on this pregnancy and am a little in awe of everything that has happened in the last nine months!

Just over nine months ago, my husband and I found out his 18 year old daughter was pregnant with her first child.  We weren’t exactly overjoyed, having hoped she would finish high school and maybe a tech school first, but we were a little excited to have our first grandbaby on the way.  I was working as a tax pro and the stress of too many people in a tiny, TINY house, a pregnant (i.e. hormonal) teen and my husband being away a lot was a little overwhelming.  My step daughter and her boyfriend ended up moving out, tax season was coming to a close and things were starting to settle again.

Then I started feeling funky.  Tired, sick and really, REALLY cranky.  Sure enough, I wee’d on a stick and there were those two lines.  My first thought was, “My husband is going to kill me!”  We had planned to start trying for another baby in a few months, but I wasn’t sure how that was going to go with finding out there would soon be a grandbaby?  Well, what was done was done and that bell couldn’t be unrung, so I sucked it up and prepared to tell him as soon as he came home.  Only I never got to tell him, because the very next time I spoke to him on the phone, the ornery booger figured it out without me saying a dang thing!!!!

For the next few days I day dreamed about this little person growing inside me, went out and bought two little onesies, both boy print, because in my heart I KNEW he was a boy.  Tax season ended, and with it my job and I could get back to being a full time mom again.  I quit smoking and caffeine (immediately because now both made me nauseous) and started drinking way more water and eating a little better.  I slept a lot and took care of my boys and generally ran around like a crazy woman.  Around the middle of April started having spotting and light bleeding.  Having lost babies before, I immediately freaked out.  My OB put me on bed rest, and there I stayed for a month and a half!  I had to miss my eldest son’s 6th birthday party, which I was utterly bereft over.  I finally figured out I had a really bad UTI, but since I was still in the first trimester they couldn’t put me on antibiotics.  I took copious amounts of cranberry pills and drank water until I thought my eyeballs would float.  Eventually, I got over the whole thing, and the wonderful little person inside of me was fine and growing well!  WHEW!  I took that as a sign I needed to slow down, but every once in a while my husband had to remind me.

EVERYBODY I told was convinced this little one was a girl (I will exclude my sister-in-law Mary).  I was TERRIFIED they were right.  Girls are sweet, girls are lovely, girls are just as much a blessing from Yah as boys are…….but girls are DRAMA!!!!!!  I am not a woman that thrives on conflict and drama like some.  I need emotional peace and tranquility or I get very nervous! My husband and I also wanted his daughter to be the only girl so that she could always have a special place in our family as the only girl!  I went to the gender ultrasound with my husband, FILLED with trepidation.  The lovely nurse at my OB’s office asked what we were hoping for and we both answered with a resounding, “BOY!”  She put the sonogram wand to my belly and said thoughtfully, “Another Pierce boy….”  and for a few seconds there was utter silence.  Then she said, “Yep, there it is!”  Still more silence.  We looked at each other, then at her and the light dawned!  “You mean….it IS a boy?”  “Yep!” she said cheerfully!  I almost came up off the table and my husband and I high fived and peace reigned in our hearts!  It took us a while to name this little guy, but that is a story for another day.

I sit here waiting for Torin to get out here…..so I can hold him….so I can kiss him…..so I can show him off.  I know he can’t stay in there forever, but the waiting is making me CRAZY!!!!!